Chris and I never wanted to have a big gap between our children, so not long after Jackson's first birthday, we thought that we would try for number two. To our surprise, it happened in the first month of trying! The very beginning was the same as last time, as I had none of the tell-tale signs that I might have been pregnant, but I did the test anyway because we were obviously trying. When we first found out, even though I did lots of tests, I just couldn't get my head around the positive result. For a while, I really didn't believe that I was pregnant.
After it had sunk in that I was in-fact pregnant, I started getting horrible thoughts that I would lose the baby. This made it hard to connect with him/her, as I was so sure that the pregnancy wouldn't progress. I think that people nowadays have become so much more open about miscarriages which, don't get me wrong, I think is really good that they aren't afraid to talk about it, but it does make me much more aware of what can do wrong and, in turn, brings on a lot of worry. One of the reasons that we did an 8 week private scan was so that we could see the baby and hear the heartbeat, to put our minds at rest. Apparently, hearing the heartbeat at 8 weeks means the pregnancy is over 90% more likely to continue as normal, which is a brilliant statistic and was definitely a huge reassurance. Once we saw the little baby, I cried and felt massively relieved.
However, while all of this was happening, I was also suffering from nausea all day long, something that I did not have that badly when pregnant with Jackson. Some people will hate me for saying this but I felt a slight dislike towards the baby at times. I have cried loads about this and felt awful for it but not for one moment did I wish that I wasn't pregnant nor did I ever forget how lucky I am.
Since about 12 weeks, I have just felt better and better about the whole thing, which I think is down to a number of reasons. Firstly, as soon as we told all of our family and friends, I could openly talk about everything and hear other people's views. Secondly, at about 14 weeks, I felt the baby kick which is probably the most amazing feeling that you can ever experience. Thirdly, I have started to show a little and my body is starting to look less like I have eaten too many pies and more like I am actually growing a baby. And finally, I am starting to feel normal again and not like I am about to pass out or be sick all the time!!!
I am not sure if it has been so different this time because I have Jackson to look after too, but I am so glad that things have started to get a lot better because, now that he has a little brother or sister on the way, I want to ensure that Jackson is just as well looked after and knows how much he is loved. I want to cherish this time that I have left as a 'mummy of one', before the exciting moment our family is extended.
As someone who loves to read blogs and turns to the internet a lot for answers and advice, I found that there wasn't much information about this type of experience. I am sure that I am not the only one who has had these thoughts and would love to hear all of your feelings about your experiences during pregnancy.